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This third transfer has quite honestly made me not ever want to do a fertility treatment again. I have lost hope that it will ever work. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars, watched all of our other IVF friends have their babies, and yet here I sit, 4am with a negative pregnancy test, AGAIN.

And although I know it's nearly impossible to get a positive at this point, I still go back and forth in my mind over whether this procedure worked or not. Why do I do this to myself?!?!? Why do I wake up at 4am and take a pregnancy test? Why do I cry myself to sleep over this? One minute I feel a complete peace about never experiencing pregnancy, and the next minute I'm a complete mess over another negative test. One minute I think there's no way I could love another child like I do Maddox and Madeline, but the next minute I so desperately want a big family and to give them more brothers and sisters.

Lord, I need thee every hour, including 4 in the morning while sitting on my bathroom floor.