"Pregnant" but not really "Pregnant"
The most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life is the loss of our first baby. But, when I knew this was happening, all I prayed was for God to let it be an easy miscarriage. Lord, please just let this pass quickly and let my body go back to normal. Every day for 66 days now, I've been praying that my body would go back to its pre-pregnancy levels. Every week I've had to go back for blood work, and every week the results are the same "still pregnant", but not really "pregnant".
Basically, even 66 days after the loss of our baby, my body is still registering the pregnancy hormone. But clearly, I am not carrying a baby anymore. I could pee on a stick right now, today, and see two pink lines. The same two pink lines that I used to dream about, now mean nothing. All it means is confusion. My body is in a state of confusion. Even the nurse that called me today said that I am "setting a record" for the length of time this is taking to go back down to 0.
Up until today, I've been extremely patient about this process. I actually haven't complained about having to go for blood work once a week, and we've been so busy working on our adoption profile and classes that I haven't even really had much time to think about it. We still pray about it every day. We pray that these levels would go back to 0, and that we would be able to continue treatment and maybe even have two babies at once, our pregnancy baby and our adopted baby, equally in love with both.
But today, I'm mad. Today, I'm frustrated and upset and confused, and I just don't understand why it's taking THIS long. When I went in for blood work this morning, I was expecting great results. I was praying all day that the nurse would call me with fantastic news. I should have known that wasn't going to happen. Sometimes, I just want God to sit me down, and write out my future for me, and explain to me what in the world He's doing. Today is one of those days.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain.
Basically, even 66 days after the loss of our baby, my body is still registering the pregnancy hormone. But clearly, I am not carrying a baby anymore. I could pee on a stick right now, today, and see two pink lines. The same two pink lines that I used to dream about, now mean nothing. All it means is confusion. My body is in a state of confusion. Even the nurse that called me today said that I am "setting a record" for the length of time this is taking to go back down to 0.
Up until today, I've been extremely patient about this process. I actually haven't complained about having to go for blood work once a week, and we've been so busy working on our adoption profile and classes that I haven't even really had much time to think about it. We still pray about it every day. We pray that these levels would go back to 0, and that we would be able to continue treatment and maybe even have two babies at once, our pregnancy baby and our adopted baby, equally in love with both.
But today, I'm mad. Today, I'm frustrated and upset and confused, and I just don't understand why it's taking THIS long. When I went in for blood work this morning, I was expecting great results. I was praying all day that the nurse would call me with fantastic news. I should have known that wasn't going to happen. Sometimes, I just want God to sit me down, and write out my future for me, and explain to me what in the world He's doing. Today is one of those days.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain.
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